Stockholm, Sweden (Kane News Syndicate) – Fifteen years of exhaustive research by twenty-five of the world’s most renowned genealogists in cooperation with the World Blood and DNA Bank in Geneva, Switzerland have led the scientists to conclude beyond a doubt that every living man possesses the ‘gay gene’ which researchers now refer to as GQ. Their findings have, understandably, sent shockwaves throughout the entire world of sports, which responded to the claim immediately, insisting that the science is flawed, but behavioural specialists say the findings calls into question precisely what ‘gay’ really means.
“This is the most ridiculous claim that I have ever heard, and I emphatically and unequivocally reject it,” said Wayne Hedley, spokesman for the England Rugby League, ” It leads me to believe that some governmental agency or human rights group must be behind the funding as well as the results of the study.” he said in an interview on Tuesday.
Herman Russelman, one of the scientists carrying out the research, disagrees. “The science is good,” he countered. “It isn’t as if we didn’t expect the backlash from the homophobic sports world at the outset, but if one merely observes the participants of any sport, in particular those considered ‘contact sports’ it becomes clear through the very actions of the players that the gene is there. You’ll see, for instance, a shocking amount of unbridled patting on the hindside by all of the players in many of these events,” he continued, “whereas if these tendencies are played out on the street, one is likely to receive a painfully severe thrashing. But the ‘playing field’ turns out to be just that: a place where these oddly affectionate homo-centricities are flaunted in plain sight wherein the spectators have been programmed to overlooked the behaviour. I can think of no logical reason as to why this sort of behaviour is frowned upon in one facet of life, only to be accepted as ‘normal behaviour’ in another realm, but as it is what it is, and this is precisely the reason why so many boys in the throes of puberty are so keen on making the team.”
Paradoxically, Mr. Russelman explained, as the sport progresses toward those which are deemed the more masculine, we find even more touching, finally reaching the point to where the participants can’t keep their hands off of one another. “Usually men realise on a subconscious level that they really are physically attracted to other men and this causes friction in some form or the other,” he told reporters at a press conference, “Generally, men being what they are, they are prone to deal with issues of psychological conflict through denial, and this friction manifests itself as anger. Thus the stronger the gay attraction tends to be, the more he tries to over-correct by playing the masculine role and the angrier the male becomes. Most rugby and football players, pro wrestlers, mixed martial arts fighters and those who try to distance themselves the furthest from their feminine sides are the very ones with the strongest tendencies in every instance. Those who go into steroid use are by far the most troubled by far. It was unanimously agreed upon among all of the researchers that professional wrestler Steve Austin was the world’s biggest closet queen.”
“Men actually enjoy looking at one another’s muscular bodies, and primarily get into group bodybuilding for much the same reasons that women within a peer group will all get breast augmentation and the like: They want to appear more attractive than their counterparts, but, more often than not, to each other.” one scientist told the group of reporters at the conference. “Again, this is why many men enjoy watching pornography which features two women.” He said. When pressed to expound on this area of the research, he refused to answer further questions, stating that several in the control group may be ‘inextricably involved’ in the anticipated media blitz. But independent reporters later found that some test subjects who were shown pornographic material and then interviewed by psychotherapists afterwards, said confidentially, that they, “wished that they were lesbians.” an unnamed source said.
Russelman pointed out that oftimes, these men will marry a female out of social obligation and go on to experience trouble throughout their marriage. Sometimes the marriages end up falling apart after the female leaves the household due to spousal abuse. “This almost always occurs because the man, again subconsciously, resents the woman as not being ‘one of the guys’ and wishes, instead, that he could be with his team-mates at all times. Finally, the friction increases, the anger manifests itself, and the man beats hell out of the wife.” The highly publicised and troubled relationship between Mike Tyson and Robin Givens was pointed to as an example. “And let’s not forget, he had the lisp,” Russelman reminded reporters, “Some of you may recall the Pepsi-Cola commercial that Tyson starred in back in the eighties. The big joke was that no one was able to understand a single word that the fighter spoke during the ad.”
What was once thought of as no more than a stereotype, Russelman said, turns out to be a very reliable indicator as to a man’s susceptibility to rogue homosexuality. “Actually,” he went on, “those with the strongest gay tendencies understood every word that Tyson said, and can recall his words verbatim to this day.”
“Black men appear to be the most notorious of the lot,” Russellman was reported as saying. “Most of them would rather take a bullet through the leg than have to admit to gay sexual activity, as the gay lifestyle is frowned upon with some severity in the black community. “The whole trend towards the conditioning and sculpting of the abdominial muscles and the upper body in general among black men signifies strong homosexual tendencies. The wearing of the pants in the ‘prison bitch’ style, which is referred to as ‘sagging’ is another indicator that the gay lifestyle plays a predominant role in the life of the black male.”
Reverend Jerome Sands, of a Philadelphia urban outreach programme couldn’t agree more. “All these young n–gas will tell you that it’s just the style, you know, havin’ their pants just fallin’ off of ’em, but they ain’t foolin’ nobody.” he said during a telephone interview with a reporter with the Washington Sun. “I seen ’em actin’ all skreet an’ tough out yonder on the sidewalk. Directly they’ll dip off behind the lot. Then I hear the moanin’ racket back there. They ain’t no drug business goin’ on back yonder. They ain’t doin’ nothin’ but hard sinnin’, and we just tryin’ to save ’em from the scorchin’ they got waitin’ on ’em,” the Reverend howled in typical evangelical fashion, ” and President Obama ain’t helped things neither, comin’ out, supportin’ this mess. They all goin’ to hell.”
What will probably come as the biggest shock, however, is that the researchers concluded that those with the least amount of the gay gene are those who are generally referred to as ‘girly-men’ by the machismoes. “It would seem, that the biggest touché of all comes at the cost of masculinity,” Mr. Russelman said. “The very men who worry the least about how fast their cars are or how large their penises are, in fact, the manliest of the species. These are the very individuals who are most comfortable fulfilling their role as men without fear of whether or not something that they do may appear ‘gay’ to their ‘buds’. It’s rather refreshing, actually. We’ve looked forward to the response for some time.”