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Kane News Syndicate Special Report / Holiday Conspiracy Editorial

By KNS staff editorialist Johnny Nowhere

In 1977, I went to apply for a vague job title that was advertised in the newspaper. It promised travel and money. I had to meet some Italian-looking guy in a hotel room and we talked about travel, danger and money. Dude told me that I needed to go into the restroom and urinate in a little cup. It was the first time I’d ever been asked to do this. Lucky for me, I’d been broke so long I pissed clean, so got the gig. The next day I had to leave town.

“Tell everyone that you’re going away to be a salesman,” I was instructed.

“What if they don’t believe me?” I wondered aloud.

“Look, everybody believes you when you tell them that you’re going away to be a salesman. I know. Just do it.” He gives me a blank stare. He looks away, “Do what you’re good at. Improvise.”

Over the next three years, I improvised by lying to everybody I knew about everything I did. Even my first wife.

By the time you get through with that sort of thing, you can see a liar coming at you from a mile away. There’s one thing about doing anything for a living: Getting good at what you do makes everyone else look like amateurs. But it also makes you hate what you do.

Unfortunately, there is no shelf life in this particular line of work. The pressure is insurmountable. And then, before you know it, you’ve had too much circulation, you’re face gets seen by too many people and it isn’t long that you get the old “you’ve been an invaluable asset to our organisation” bit, and they drop you back into normality.

I was summoned to the regional supervisor’s office for the debrief. Like I didn’t already know that my employers couldn’t be counted on for a job reference.

“Once you’re history, we’ll deny ever knowing you, but since you’re still a possible source of sensitive information, your contractual obligation continues to apply,” I was cautioned. “Everything regarding your time with us is to be held in the strictest confidentiality for the next thirty years, and you’ll do well to hold up your end.” My supervisor tossed the pencil he was holding down onto the table. I recall seeing the tip break off of the lead. He pushed his chair back and stood, “If you decide to break silence, we’ll just deny everything, you know,” he said and smiled, “but worse, you’ll be frowned upon.” He put out his hand.

“And after thirty years?” I asked, shaking his hand.

“By that time, everything will be different. But by then, no one will believe you, anyway. Nobody believes the truth.”


It doesn’t seem like long ago that I thought conspiracy theorists were a bunch of loons.

By the late 80’s, I was still requiring my fix of shortwave listening, but I noticed that there were more off-shore and terrestrial ‘pirate’ stations taking to the air. There was a spike in clandestine transmissions on odd-ball frequencies at odd-ball times and the Cuban V2 ‘numbers stations’ were going crazy. Then I noticed more ‘militant’ programming on the ‘God and Country’ shortwave stations like WWCR out of Manchester, Tennessee. I did not fail to note that other stations, which had been doing well up to this point, such as RFPI, or Radio For Peace Int’l. ( a non-profit beacon of light in troubled times, whose programming was being broadcast out of Costa Rica for ‘legal purposes’) began to flounder due to lack of listener support.

Things came to a head when the staffers at RFPI barricaded themselves up in the studio after the organisation fell several months behind on their bills and the Costa Rican authorities had to turn off their electrical power, shut off the water and finally, remove them by force.

Recently, after the Wall Street protesters across the nation were no longer the media novelty, and city workers began removing them from various locales in which they’d entrenched themselves, I was reminded again of the row in Costa Rica. These people always look and behave the same way. They think that, after they are allowed to do something for a little while, they have somehow or the other ‘earned the right’ to do said thing for an indefinite period. It seems to be lost on them that shit costs money. And whether they like the fact or not, money was keeping their asses encamped there. When the money dries up, you can’t keep having what the money was keeping you supplied in. Ask any dope dealer.

What ceases to amaze me, is that even though these people immerse themselves in Capitalism every day, they decry it as the scourge to society. They sit with their iPhones at Starbucks and Twitter about the sins of Capitalists. They go into chat rooms and trade fantastic ideas as to how Bush could have masterminded the 9-11 attacks while ignoring the reality of the ‘Fast and Furious’ debacle by the present administration. Surely I’m not the only one who sees the oxymoron at work here.

These kinds of conspiracy theorists, I can live without.

First, any professional looks for three elements in each instance: purpose, followed by logistical feasibility and plausible deniability. These seiveheads coming up today have not a clue as to what I’m talking about.

The people who actually entertain the feasibility of 9-11 being an ‘inside job’ simply watch too many freaking movies. And the reasons they cite as to the purpose behind such an outrageous act are completely apart from reality. If Bush had wanted to start a war with Eye-RACK and Saddam, he could’ve just started one using the UN as a shield. Saddam bin Hussein at-Takriti was already in violation of a dozen or more mandates and forcing him into compliance through military action was an option. Only a bona-fide dillweed would come up with a hare-brained idea like running jetfuls of people into buildings to start a war. Oh. Wait a minute. He did. But that dillweed supposedly got dumped off of a naval vessel some time back. The other popular ‘reasoning’ given by the mentally challenged was that it was ‘all about oil’. I’d be interested in someone explaining how that has worked out for us. We didn’t receive oil from Iraq and we still don’t. Gasoline is almost four freaking dollars a gallon now. So where’s the logic?

Simple. There isn’t any. Ever. Reality falls around these people like rain and a drop never seems to hit them.

Let me give you a different example, using real rationale, of why things are done, as well as the way they are carried out. I don’t care whether you believe me or not. I repeat, I don’t care.

The United States has Big Plans with Mejico as a new trading partner, with whom she desires to remain simpatico.

A) The United States also has a ‘problem’ with her neighbor to the South in relation to the influx of illegal drugs.
1. There is a balance of power in any country between two factions: Religion and Government.
2. ‘Pleasant and harmonious relations’ must be maintained between these two powers at all times.
a) these relations may be maintained, if only superficially, for the benefit of the ‘dumb masses’.

B) In response to ‘public outcry’ the United States government implements their ‘War On Drugs’ which has remained ‘popular’ since it’s inception in the seventies.
1. The Church desires that the drug problem be ‘addressed’.
2. Both branches of government, in order to ‘please’ the church and appear moral, implement fake war on drugs which, in turn, necessitates raising taxes.

Note that I have given every purpose that any government needs for doing anything: Annexing land and people (this doesn’t always require war, however, skirmishes are always anticipated), keeping The Church satisfied and generating revenue enhancement. Nonetheless:

C) The government is in between the proverbial ‘rock and hard place’ with this setup. They can’t just end the ‘War On
Drugs’ because the Church would be furious and they could no longer justify collecting and misappropriating billions of tax-payer dollars ‘reserved’ for the fake war on drugs. SO…
1. Government insists that ‘all is being done’ to curtail drug trade, yet balks at citizens demands for ‘Great Wall of Mexico’ citing fiscal belt-tightening and ‘strained relations’. BECAUSE…
2. Billions more dollars are laundered through the drug trade, which is a thriving market that both the United States and Mejicanos government loosely ‘manage’.

Note that I have just presented you with the logistic feasibility and plausible deniability in order to allow the drug activity to continue. The government sees Mexican drugs coming into the country and an increased presence of illegal aliens from Mexico. Within twenty years, we will see the illegal status of Mexican Nationals waived. The tide of Mexicans coming into the country will make them the largest minority and the ‘anticipated skirmishes’ will develop between Blacks and Mexicans. (Occurrences such as the Treyvon Martin scandal [remember that?] will become more widespread. Gang wars will be ‘generated’ between the Mexicans and the Blacks. Manipulation of these groups will be left up to the national media.)

This is why Obama and company can just look stupid and go, “Huh? Illegal Guns? Us? Killings? Duh.. we don’t know.”
And their constituents? Why hell, they’re too busy Twittering about Bush to pay any attention.

Worst part of all?

The Government and the Church are playing both ends against the middle. Why do you think the Church doesn’t have to pay taxes? You Atheists can forget about ‘overthrowing religion’. And the God-fearing can keep throwing money into the collection plate because they have you right where they want you.

Anyway, as I was saying, I used to think conspiracy theorists were a bunch of loons.


About Johnny Nowhere

Johnny Nowhere is a songwriter/composer and owner of Hell Paving Company, music publisher. Johnny doesn't really exist outside of the music industry and Facebook. He is simply a figment of my imagination.

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