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You Can’t Think Of A Band Name? Are You Serious?

Back in 1993, there were establishments known as ‘record stores’ and at that time I was attempting to hold down the assistant position of ‘managing’ one. In those days, there was an individual medium of storing and selling music that didn’t involve earbuds or smart phones. This medium came in the form of a little silver platter called a ‘compact disc’. These ‘CDs’ were sold at such stores.

Richard, the manager, upon arriving to work one afternoon, mentioned on his way back to the office that he needed a new band name. “We can’t think of one. Why don’t you guys come up with one for us?”

“You can’t think of a band name? Are you serious?” I prodded from behind the front counter. “Hell, Gregoravich and I can come up with one for you. Ain’t that right Pete?”

Petior just gave the grin of the mischevious twelve-year old boy that permanently dwelled inside him. Petior’s parents were rocket scientists, and they had defected over to the States from the Soviet Union when Pete was a youngster. NASA, being greatly interested, paid them prodigous sums of money for the honour of systematically de-programming them of all things Russian and rocket. As a result, Pete spoke both Russian and English beautifully, but it had cost him his sanity. He was capable of coming up with the most ridiculous combinations of English words I’d ever heard.

I picked up a legal pad said, “Okay everyone,” I stated aloud in faux-commander fashion, “Richard’s band needs a name and it has become our responsibility to arrive at a suitable one. When you think of something acceptable, write it down on this legal pad. That’s an order.” and then tossed the pad back down on the counter.

“This is the reason no work ever gets done around here, Sven”, announced Hell Mary, the goth waif with the black-hole hair, rolling her eyes, ” I don’t want to play your insidious games.”

“You must, or you’ll be taunted and severely beaten.” I informed her.

Yian walked up to the counter. Her parents were first generation Chinese immigrants and she spoke a lovely mixture of Chinglish. Yian was another lunatic. “Do we get spanked if we don’t do it, Sir?” she asked with her illustrious smile.

“So let it be written, so let it be done,” I declared, “as employees here, we…”

“PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE COUNTER. I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ!!” Richard’s voice blared through the phone intercom.

We were a crew of the aforementioned plus a confused seven foot tall stickman who was infatuated with fat women, a self-centered redheaded Irish lass, a perpetually depressed drama queen who promptly severed every rope I’d throw down to her, and a self-deprecating example-of-genetic-engineering-gone-awry mulatto who insisted on being called ‘Tarbaby’, who also had the coolest looking green eyes I’ve ever seen.

The customers were eyeballing all of us suspiciously. I had to work with these people.

Later on, when I was back up front, I’d noticed that someone had dutifully begun the list in ernest, and sensing great fun, I scribbled down a couple of my own and went about my work. As the day passed, the list grew, and as time went on, the pad became a more or less permanent fixture on the counter for the duration of my tenure at the store. The list soon became a medium of vague social commentary, and no one ever complained except once. They were quickly informed that everybody was having too much fun for some crybaby to start running interference.

Fortunately, I had the forsight to abscond with the pad when I left that retail establishment for a more promising future by securing a job at a ‘music store’ which sold all types of instruments, mixing boards, and outboard gear. It was a ‘picks and sticks’ kind of place. Everyone in town that played music came there. (FYI, instruments and ‘gear’ came along before computers, software, plug-ins, loops, and beats. They were the only things that people had to make music with at that time. It took years to learn to play an instrument or run a board. Only then could you refer to yourself as a musician, an artist, or a ‘producer’. Back then, you actually had to know what you were doing. Cutting was done with a blade & block, and pasting had been left behind in grade school.)

Work on the list progressed farther there, assisted by those whose input reflected their chosen field. Sometimes the stuff got pretty weird if not downright questionable when a theme would begin to emerge.

Twenty years on, I still have the old legal pad. It is a sight to behold. The original pages were eventually filled up and new, additional pages stapled on top in order to accomodate the ever-expanding list. There is a black Dymo label on the top spine that proclaims:

THE BIG PAD OF USEFUL BAND NAMES

While trying to locate an old back-issue of Recording magazine this morning, I came across the list and began flipping through it. (For those of you who may not know, before there were smartphones and iPads, ‘magazines’ were a medium commonly referred to as ‘periodicals’ or ‘publications’, consisting of several pages of paper, wherein ‘articles’ {which is something that predates blogs} covering different subjects were printed. These magazines were regularly subscribed to, delivered to the home through what was called the ‘mail’, and read voraciously.)

Re-reading the band names list, I am at once amazed at how everyone has a comedian deeply hidden somewhere inside of them. I have decided to forgo the formalities, choosing to waive exercise of copyright for this occasion, in order to share some of these ‘band names’ with my readers. (Band names cannot be copyrighted anyway, only trademarked. Feel free to make use of any if you dare. I don’t believe that anyone else ever did).

As is said, without further ado, and in quasilogical order, here they are:

Plastic Casket Gasket

Mama Casket

Pipi Longshoreman

The Mate Baiters

The Bait Maters

The Toe-Maters

The Poe-Taters

Semen Fraud

The Tennesseemen

My Dixie Wrecked

Spermicidal Maniacs

Autoejaculating

L.A.G.N.A.F.

Death Grows Old

Princess Die

Hopped Up On Goofballs

Ebola Cola

Uteri

Dapper in Diapers

Smokey Mountain Gigolo

Huban Rebains

The Innocent Bystanders

Flying By the Seat of John Denver’s Pants

Tanked, but Empty

I Puff Hashenstuff

J.R. Tolkenstuff

The Locksmith Monsters

Appear Up Here

Striking Posers

Karen Carpenter’s Sad Luck Tapeworm

The Skull of Frank Sinatra

The Emperor and The Whimperer

Impervious to Submission

Spit Pee Soup

Sugar Ray Cyrus

Cunanan’s Ill-Fitting Trousers

The Banned

Duck Shovel

Chicken Horn

Allen Wrench and the Truss Rods

Don’t Lick a Dead Horse in the Mouth

Norman Cunningham and the Clever Swine

Damn the Tortillas

Damn the Tomatillos

Screature

Wallowing at the Edge

Addicted to Myself

The Blank Stare of Lyle Alzado

Grandma’s Chains

Jose Julian Marti’s 24 Hour Party Club

Castro’s Overinflated Self-Importance

The Wrath of Cecil

Deaf, Dumb, and Astigmatic

The Stoned Temple Co-Pilots

God Is My Stone Temple Co-Pilot

The Shirley Temple Pilots

Hung Like an Angel

The Amish Electricians

The Horse Mechanics

Pastor of Muppets

God Wears a Bowtie

Christian Restraint Device

The Forever Endeavour

Jimmy Staggard

Dying is Not an Option

Anal Roberts

God Jam (christian rock band)

FLATHEAD

God Is My Washroom Attendant

Go Forth and Subtract

Out Of My Way, You Offend Me!

Jesus Swept

Loincloths of Distinction

Sister Grecian

Christian Formula 44

The Chosen Juans

Juan On Juan

Don Was Juan?

Juan Tortilla Rides Away

Bubba Lopez Sippin’ Tequila

Pato Hernandez-Vega-Francisco-Garcia-Smith

Seeing Eye Cat

Dead Man Drumming

Mrs. Doubtfire Goes to Sweden

Swedish Hendrix

Hey, Sven

Bjorn Under a Bad Sign

Swedish Army Knife

Blue Swede Shoes

Blue Wazoo

The Blue Dads

Blue-Eyed Hog

Dirigible With An Ankle Tattoo

Ballerina Sweathog

Bloated Beyond Redemption

Slowly! To the Fat-Mobile!

The Bogus Highlights

Hellbent For Spongecake

Eat Beastily

Walking With Wood

Paraplegics On Parade

Quadraplegic Uprising

The Crippled Bastards

I’m Super-Special, Get Out Of My Way, Too!

God Was Mean To Me

Eddie and the Tweak Freaks

The Gay Headhunters

The Mighty Dykes

Bi For Now

I’ll Be Homo For Christmas

I Left My Masculinity In San Francisco

Out Of My Way, Honey, I’m Special, Too!

The Sweet Police

Queer Wizard

Queen of the Wild Frontier

And Flamboyant, Too!

Flambuoyancy

Swollen Hose

Inflates On Impact

The New World Orderlies

Haulin’ Oats

Stovepipe Stuffing

Dingle

Elevator Silence

Toe Clevage

Amy Grunt

Rage Against the Coke Machine

Podunkus

Mice Capades

The Sparrowkeets

Agony Is My Playground

Monkey See, but Play in Ab

Interstellar Dust

CHOICE NOISE

Chuck Wagon and the Buckboards

Give Me Liberty or Give Me Hell

Flabberbastard

Saginaw Over

Freeze-dried Raindrops

Bass Cleft Pallet Jack

Good, Clean Fun

Nashville Triple Bypass and the Passers-by

Flamingo Mandingo

I’d Still Deep-Six Number 9

I’d Still Deep-Six Julie Andrews

I’d Still Deep-Six Emma Peel

I’d Still Deep-Six Greta Garbo

Garbo is dead, you dumb ass.

Skippy the Conqueror

Mississippi Churning

Adobe Shithouse

Tortilla Shingles

The Deep-End Rowdies

Under the Overpass

Over the Underpass

Under the Passover

Pass the Overalls

Lass in Underalls

My Dad Can Kill Your Dad

My Dad Can Die Faster Than Your Dad

My Dad Was A Dad Before Your Dad

My Dad Is Your Dad

My Dad Is Your Brother’s Sister

My Dad Never Met My Mother

My Dad Was A Coolie

Yian, I Am Your Father

Whore Monica

Attila the Clown

I Tilla the Ground

I Ground the Tortilla

(what’s your deal with tortillas, dude?)

Keebler Death Gods

Elfen Secrets

Tantric Elves

Elvis’ Twelve Shelves

Velvet Elvis

Afghanistan Banana Stand

Time for Your Daily Compounding

Silent Horse Whistle

Whispering Whistlers

Sleeping Lispers

Pumped Up Has-Beens

Bellowing Zero

Topless Miners

Mopless Two-Timers

Doppelgänger Moonshiners

Bermuda Love Triangle

Lesbos Sextangle

Falopian Tube Driver

Tubular Hell

Edward Rock, Scissor, & Paper Hands

Kenny Loggins Drives an Aerostar

The Salt & Pepper Factor

Spike-Haired Judas

Enormous Disappointment

Kenny Loggin’s Menopause Hangover

Chew With Chagrin

A Streetcar Named Pestilence

Hand-Me-Down Dentures

I Inhaled the Heir To the Throne

Herd of Mexican Sea Cows

Spanglish Jugglers

Debutante Brawl

Beers of a Clown

The Zantax Man

The Subliminals

Anti-M

A Pit To Hiss In

Opie From Muskogee

Fugly Ucklings

The Absent-Minded Proctologist

The Overly Aggressive Breeders

Ghandi’s Playhouse

Honking Donkeys

Damn Hammer

Wattage By the Pound

Trampled By Horsemen

Around the World in Jennifer’s Bedroom

LILAC ALE

I See Your Daughter and Raise You a Grandson

Karaoke Queen

The Cynic Route

The Brick Pitchers

Glutton Mutton

White Knuckled Meat Packers

Hell Razor

Funt Cunnel

16 Tons Is What You Get, You Dumb Ass

The Accumulators

Waltzin’ the Dog

Handmade Lovin’

Crazy About Sanity

Scratch N Lick

Substance Abuse Remover

The David Lettermen

That Weird Jackson Thing

A Double Shot of My Baby’s Mother

Endangered Feces

Jurassic Parking Lot

Tom Waits For No One

The Significant Others

Hotter Than a Urinary Infection

Dick’s Hat Band

The Used Rubber Band

DRUGNET

Dragnut

Warped Fork

8 Women Who 8 Women

Unidentified Obscenities

Nursery School Flak

Spank Me In Chinese

Confucius Say ‘Undress’

Wok Like A Man

Duck Sausage

The Gooks of Hazard

Eschew Lao Tzu

I’d Lao Tzu

Sizzling Happy Family

Seoul Food

Chau Daun

Chu Yu

Dong Hang Lo?

Yu Chau Sum?

Mi Chau Yu

Dong Go Long

Cantonese Peachfish

Johnny Boom-Boom

The Eternal Yee-Haw

Johnny Everywhere

Sven Johnny

Johnny Narwhale

Midget Whale

Aloha, Dead Man

Doc Martin Boots & Black Hair Dye for Everyone

Jesus Had A Stunt Double

Jewsus

Judas-On-A-Rope

Jesus Crust Self-Rising Flour

God As A Kid

My Brain Is God’s Wastebasket

Armed Like A Guerilla

Waltzing Guerilla

Dr. Kevorkian for Surgeon General

The Wick Dippers

Bend & Deliver

Come & Stumble

The Cat Slingin’ Seamen

The Rolling Boils

Squid Man of Alcatraz

Granny In Jackboots

Cranky Face

The Rattling Pipes

Goose Motif

Stormin’ Norman Rockwell

Stormin’ Mormon

Mormon Nailer

Ray Charles Staredown

The Five Boys Who Can See Just Fine

Cellular Redneck

Goat Ropers Annonymous

Cow Tipping Homies

White Boys Can’t Rap

Dead Men Can’t Rap

Gold Vest on a Dead Man

Cracker Smack

Black Boys Can’t Speak English

Whack Cracker

All Smoke, No Fire

Gatsmoke

Are Those Your Pants or Is Your Diaper Just Full?

Slim Whiteman & the Funky Caucasians

Tipper Gore Can Kiss My Red, White & Black Ass

Darwin Never Met Puff Daddy

The Lawn Jockeys

The Cotton Pickers

Pavlov’s Homie

Honky Sage & His Jazzy Ass Crackers

Low-Tar Baby

The All-American Niggers

*how about Simply REDNECK*

(how about “Go To Hell If You Can’t Roll”)

yo, he mean “The African-American Negroes”

“The Touchie-Feelie Colored People”

No Rules Allowed

Meaningful Dialogue

(hahaha! “The Politically-Correct Non-Offensive White Girl Band”)

Spoil Sport

Bitchcraft

Civil Whore

Hoe Cake

Fiddle-dee-dee!

Feminist Fartblossom

…And Fairness For All

Click Your Heels Together

Disneyworld Imagination

Heaven On Earth

White Guilt Was Killing My Marriage

The Self-Effacing Whities

It’s My Parents Fault That I’m White

Reluctantly White

We’re White But We’re Terribly, Terribly Sorry

Kick Me, I’m White

Kick Yourself, You’re White

(on “Appearing Tonight” street marque) No Colored People

(ditto) Irish Need Not Apply

(Ditto) No Irish Swine

(ditto) No Fat Chicks

(ditto) Nude, Hot Girls

(ditto) Free Russian Roulette Nightly

(ditto) No Cover Charge

The Riffmeisters

The Guitar Pounders

The Quarter Pounders

Agrosnack

Jimbo and his Corn Squeezin’s

Neil Jung

Drastic Sludge

Whiskers

Toothless Cheese Eaters

Futt Buck Ugly

Broad Daylight

Sound Funnel

Solar Windsock

The Cocky Pops

Chick Dinner

BRAT POISON

Belch Metal

The Slammers

Trumpet Lullaby

Jockstrap Molasses

Daddy House

Son Duplex

Sister Complex

Acid Reflux

Save The Flashdance For Me

Tube of Plenty

George the Wondergoose

Ex-Wife’s Worst Nightmare

Hitler’s Cookbook

Swollen and Angry

Hitler’s Prerogative

Free Train Rides

Steely-Eyed Stare

Insane Maestro

Kruschev’s Shoe

Red Faced Raging Fury

Slap Happy Goose Steppers

Sherman’s Bataan Death March to the Sea

My Beautiful Ego

Rapid-fire Magic Wand

Knocked Unconscientious

Hot Glue Enima

Public Enima

Public Enigma

ACID BERNE

Canadian Cakewalk

Canadian Tubeswallow

Bullwankle

The Flaming Hosers

The Blazing Cadillacs

The French Foreign Lesion

Nose Trombone

Laughing At Dumbo’s Mother

The Spam Doctors

Eating Juice

The Test Ticklers

Jocular Fallout

Flaccid Fallout

Vomicide

Custer’s Soiled Pantaloons

Schopenhauer’s Soiled Bermudas

The Cockhounds

Hard Discharge

Oedipus Tex

Rogue Hacker

Throes of Chapter 13

Godspeed Galore

Hidden Valley Raunch

Linda Evan’s Big Valley

2 inches of fun, 3 feet of remorse

Death Sneeze

The Unabashedly Gay Power Rangers

Whoopee Tampons

Social Senility

Bells of Madness

Gin & Lyme

Shining Brightly on the Electric Dress

Shimmering Zebco Halo

Fuck Tourette and His Goddamn Syndrome

Mauled By Tarbash

Balsa To the Waltza

Ghandi Khan

American Injunuity

Indian In-Law

Womb With A View

The Lackluster Muffbusters

The Skinboats of Tuna Lagoon

Pump, Jiggle, Quake & POP!

Dripping With Gratitude

Trailer Park Triplets

Mister Corrugated’s Neighborhood

Happy Valley Hellraisers

Trailer Park Hotheads

The High-Rise Trailer Park Highbrows

Clipper Madness

Hip Hair Mestress

Shearlock Combs

The Hobbling Felines

Possum Death Mask

Tar Pit Tango

Shut Up, You’re Next

Shroud Of Turin Beach Towel

Accidentally Gorgeous

How Much Is That Doggy Inuendo?

She’s On the Tip of My Tongue

Deep C Diver

The Yankers

The White Sox Monkeys

The Black Sex Junkies

The Pocket Fishermen

Splay Footed Toe Tappers

The Pistil Packing Stamens

Smells Like Teen Chlamydia

Lap Sap

Stone Mountain Oysters

The Mimekillers

Obnoxious Stuttering Oxen

Coveralls of Shame

Possum McNuggets

Vengeful Possum

Blackie Clueless

Slackie Jawless

Manson Family Values

The Maimtones

The Things I’ve Done With a Singlecoil

The Indigo Guys

Color Me Invisible

Hammertoe

The Coagulators

Videl Bassoon

Fidel Baboon

Infidel Bistro

Interuterine Chamber Orchestra

The Vienna Sausage Boys Choir

Swollen Colon

Agent Orange

Mohammad Smoked Camels

Mad Mohammed’s Diary

….and they continue, far into the night. Believe it or not, I actually omitted a few as I was making the transcription for fear that some folks may become…offended. (as if some of you aren’t already).

Oh, well, the truth, as they say, hurts.

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About Johnny Nowhere

Johnny Nowhere is a songwriter/composer and owner of Hell Paving Company, music publisher. Johnny doesn't really exist outside of the music industry and Facebook. He is simply a figment of my imagination.

One response »

  1. HAHA!

    I love this! My friends and I have a list of band names we’ve been compiling for I think six years?

    Not even comparable to this amazing list.

    I think

    “The Locksmith Monsters”

    and

    “Spit Pee Soup”

    and

    “Shut Up, You’re Next”

    Are my favorites!

    This whole time I thought this was a fictional story, but when I got to the end, I was like…there’s no WAY he made up all of those band names…

    Reply

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